Secrets Conneticunt
Author handing out shots at Club C*nt
Several months ago as Club Cunt raged inside Cafe 9, I walked out with rows of cheap tequilla in plastic shot glasses sitting a slimy black tray with a hand-drawn sign: “SHOT FOR A SECRET.” Like bees to honey, the liquor-hungry crowd began to swarm. The idea had started a few months earlier as an experiment at a house party and I was shocked how quickly people divulged their absolutely bat-shit secrets from cheating on their spouses to robbing from their grandparents and their church to destroying priceless ancient heirlooms. Zoe, our very own Tina Brown, agreed to payroll a Club Cunt experiment.
One of the issues with this experiment is that people can just make shit up. In fact at one point as I prowled with my sign and shots, I overheard two girls scheming over what could be a reliably good fake lie. When one of them approached me to share their concocted secret about sleeping with a friend’s boyfriend I replied, “Did that really happen though?” She laughed awkwardly and backed away from the precious $2 shots. Another flaw is that lots of secrets are really not that interesting. At least four people told me stories about shitting themselves as a child. I’m sorry to say: we have all been there.
But alas, we must have faith that some of these interesting secrets are genuine. Below is a short list of some of the best secrets I heard (with all identifying details removed):
A man told me that when he was in his early 20’s he lived with his uncle and fell in love with his uncle’s daughter, aka his cousin. She fell in love with him too and they wanted to get married. But disturbed by the stigma, he moved out the house one day in the middle of the night without saying anything to her. They haven’t spoken since. He still loves her.
A man, with a woman next to him, pointed out his best friend standing 20 yards away. “That is my best friend over here,” he told me. That friend, he said, had been telling him for ages he has a big crush on the woman next to him, but he’d actually been secretly sleeping with her for months and hadn't told him.
A woman told me years ago she convinced a boy living half-way across the world to break up with his girlfriend for her. Then once he did, she immediately got the ick and ghosted him. It haunts her to this day.
A woman told me years ago she was hooking up with two people. She always brought the second guy to her house but one day she finally went to the his and realized it was the same house as the first guy she was fucking. They were roommates.
A guy told me he secretly makes below the neck porn videos that get millions of views. No one knows.
A man told me he recently realized his “wife is an evil person.” Woof!
A man told me he once ran to the bathroom at church and realized there was no toilet paper. All there was was a priest robe and the holy book. Decisions, decisions, decisions…
Several people told me depressing stories about cheating on people they respected, becoming homewreckers, and being continually consumed by deep regret. Don’t cheat folks!
A man told me that in 3rd grade during a school wide laser tag event, he got too excited and shit his pants. He then took off his poopy underwear and hid it under one of those neon pillars. To his knowledge, they were never found.
A self-identified “conservative” man told me he lets himself be flirted on by gay men for attention. When I asked if he might just be gay, he looked aghast. “I’m really conservative,” he replied.
A woman told me she pissed herself accidentally during a night out in New Orleans. Because she was wearing black she just kept going. When her friends kept saying they noticed a smell she gaslight the night away.